|
| |
|
Introspection: Thoughts on SGS’s
Disciplinary Policies Meeting
By Ayse Tezcan |
|
Two young men’s lives took a drastic turn when a college
dorm prank went awry! This was in the news recently reporting the
sentencing of the boys, then students of Seton Hall University,
charged with arson and witness tempering for the year 2000 fire in
one of the dormitory halls causing the death of three student
residents.
Since the last PA meeting on disciplinary policy at SGS, I
have been reflecting and contemplating on sharing my thoughts on
this important subject. I must confess that I belong to the group of
parents who still don’t think my kids can possibly do anything as
serious as getting themselves into disciplinary actions! Having kids
in 6th and 7th grades, I still fret with some
menial issues such as late homework, class disruptions and
prioritizing. However, I began pondering if these small behavioral
issues left uncorrected would prevent our kids from developing a
concrete sense of cause-and-effect relation of their actions. When I
heard the news about those young gentlemen, I decided to write this
piece. I am not suggesting that these kinds of extreme examples are
common; however, they are great opportunities to discuss about
responsibility and consequences of one’s actions. Maybe learning
some serious lessons in such a protective environment is a good
thing for our kids to build character while consequences are not as
costly.
I am probably more sensitive to this subject right now
because of a recent incident involving my daughter. Until this year,
she has been the most responsible kid one could imagine. She was
always focused on the task at hand and never got into social or
behavioral conflicts. However moving into a new environment, she
began showing the signs of being distracted by her social life,
which led to forgetting her responsibilities. Because she never had
to be reprimanded for misbehaving previously, we did not realize our
warnings to her were not effective. She kept testing her limits upon
our numerous warnings – obviously without previous reference, she
was unsure whether we would follow through with the consequences.
Well, we did! She was enrolled in a local public school and attended
there for three days. After the first day, she was ready to return
to SGS and made serious promises and plans how to be more
responsible. Of course, now we will watch to see if she is true to
her promises but at least she has a reference about what kinds of
consequences her actions might create and we mean what we say.
However extreme it might be, this experience has been one
of the most valuable lessons we have learned as parents. First, it
was painful and scary. I worried about things such as what if she
liked doing less work and getting reward for minimum effort. Second,
we learned that she would actually rather to be in a stimulating,
challenging and caring environment than choosing easy way out. And
she is a fighter and problem solver. Third without the school’s
help, we would not be aware of the problems, and consequently would
not work together to fix them. Beginning from a very young age,
these kids spend most of their waking time at school. As they get
older, our involvement in their social and academic life
progressively diminishes. We, as parents, generally see our children
in a different social context with subjective eyes. Working with
educators and a school program that know our kids at a personal
level helps us to intervene with appropriate solutions to problems
before they get out of control. Most of us choose SGS not for only
its academic excellence, but also for this sense of community. We
believe the teachers and the administrators have the best interest
in their students in mind. After all, the students
|
represent the community of SGS. Furthermore, the school is small
enough to accomplish this goal effectively. Forth, we realize that
each child requires different degrees of consequences. Removing a
favorite object from possession might work for some children but
some strong-willed kids might require more concrete reprimand to
make the cause-and-effect connection. Lastly, as Karl Revells said
better: “do mistakes here rather than at college,” I’d rather my
kids do their mistakes at SGS than out in the world. I just hope
that this is where they learn when they make mistakes, they pay a
price for it but it is not the end of the world. Because of their
strong social support network involving parents, friends and school,
they have a better chance of picking up the pieces and succeeding.
When we fix everything for them, they miss a lifetime chance of
learning this lesson and may end up becoming adults without survival
skills and be discouraged with every failure they come across. We
need to remember that this is their life and they need to be
involved in it and actively exert an effort to get the award. As Mr.
Robert Evans also mentioned during his visit to SGS, we cannot
smooth the road for them. I, for one, am in constant need of being
reminded by my husband: these kids will go out the real world, where
they will have to function without your help and interference; they
need to learn these life skills today.
Our lesson on different consequences for different
personalities also made me think about the conversations at the
meeting about inconsistencies in ways handing out the discipline at
SGS. I agree with the parent who alluded to the fact that life is
not fair and it presents with many inconsistencies that boggle even
our adult minds. What better place than school to learn that
reality. I believe in the benefit of the disciplinary system’s being
organic for we can make adjustments when necessary rather than
having a list of regimented procedures and instructions.
It pains me to see my kids struggling to make sense of this
complicated world, both socially and intellectually. Most times I
pull them out of misery against my better judgment. With a
background in nine years of post-graduate education, an executive
track position in banking business and having conducted basic and
clinical research in cancer medicine, I admit parenthood is the most
difficult task I have ever undertaken. Nothing in my education
prepared me for this role. I would happily retake organic chemistry
and calculus and write another thesis instead of making these tough
decisions that might hurt my kids’ heart and ego, or see them being
crushed by the social influences. Additionally, as a member of
“overanalyzing, intellectualizing and raising children by study
results and books” generation, I could, of course, not follow the
common sense method of child rearing that my parents’ generation
employed. So here we are experiencing the pains of re-writing the
book on raising kids with a touch of perfectionism!
We, parents, children, teachers and administration, are all
here at SGS today because there is a common thread that connects us.
We somehow share some common values because we otherwise wouldn’t be
here making financial and time (yes, it takes us one hour to get to
SGS!) sacrifices. Regardless of what individual expectations we
have, two ultimate goals that connect us are the welfare of our
children and the attempt to raise kids who are productive members of
their community. To accomplish this goal, cooperation is essential.
I am glad we work together and help each other as a team.
Thanks much to the Parent Association and school
administration for trying so hard to keep us in the loop! |
Discipline
by Olivette Orme, Parent Association
President |
|
When
my son, Forrest, now a sophomore at Middlebury College, was in the
10th grade at Saint George’s, we gave him permission to
attend a party at a classmate’s house after the Winter Formal. One
evening in early January, as Eric and I were in bed reading, Forrest
came into our room, settled into the big chair in the corner, and
announced, “I need to tell you guys something.”
It turned out
that there had been drinking at the party and that he had had a rum
and coke. At basketball practice that day, Pep had gathered the
boys, told them he had heard there had been drinking at a party and
that members of the boys’ Varsity basketball team had been involved.
He asked the boys to ‘fess up. Not all of the boys who had been
drinking at the party raised their hands but Forrest did. As
punishment, Forrest was benched for two weeks – he was to suffer the
humiliation of sitting on the bench in his street clothes and know
that his classmates and all their parents would wonder why he wasn’t
playing; would watch his teammates play knowing he had let them
down, (and feeling let down himself, knowing that several of them
should be sitting on the bench beside him); and know, too, that his
parents would suffer the embarrassment of explaining to everyone
around them in the stands why he was sitting those two weeks out.
When we had heard
him out, we praised him for his honesty and forthrightness in
‘fessing up both to Pep and to us. We had a long discussion about
integrity, breaking the law, and teenage drinking – not in general
terms as we had done before – but in specifics relating to him, our
concerns for his safety, and the consequences we would impose if the
issue came up again (it didn’t). The next day, I called Pep and then
Doc to thank them for handling the situation so well; for the
“teachable moment” the incident had afforded our child without us
ever having to open our mouths; and for opening the door for
Forrest, Eric, and me to have open, frank discussions about the
lame-brain choice that Forrest, like all teenagers, make as they
bumble their way into adulthood.
One of our most
difficult challenges as we shepherd our children from toddlerhood to
adulthood is to help them deal with their mistakes and failures. We
would like to shield them from the consequences perhaps because we
remember too well how painful those consequences can be. Well, we
are human and so are they; they will screw up just like we did. When
they make their mistakes within our family setting, we address them
as we choose. When they happen in a community setting, such as a
school, matters become more complicated.
When we join a
community, we give up some of our personal values, choices, and
decision-making abilities and, for the privilege of acquiring the
benefits of belonging to the community, accept the choices, values
and decision-making processes that have been agreed upon as
standards for the community as a whole. We do this when we take a
job, move to a neighborhood, or join a club. When we enroll our
children in a school, especially a school like Saint George’s where
the choice to join the community is totally our own, we do it
carefully and thoughtfully and with the best interests of our child
at heart. And there’s the rub… |
The school isn’t about our child!
It’s about the whole community to which our child belongs.
It’s about our child and his peers; our child and her teacher; our
family and the school’s administration. From the moment our child
sets foot on campus for the first day of school, our family, our
child, and we ourselves become no more and no less important than
every other child/family/parent whose foot hits the campus that day.
And because we don’t run the school, we trust that the people who do
can pull off the magnificent balancing act of meeting our individual
child’s needs without disrupting the needs of the whole school.
Nowhere is this more
anxiety-provoking than when it comes to discipline. But, here we are
lucky. At a small school like Saint George’s, the faculty or
administration member who needs to discipline our child cares. They
care for our child as an individual but they also care about the
standards they have set for the community as a whole. Is our third
grader bullying another child? Does it matter that her adored
grandmother is sick and Mom has been away a lot to take care of her?
You bet it does. Should the teacher ignore the behavior? Of course
not – that wouldn’t be fair to the child being bullied or to our
third grader who needs to learn that you can’t take your anxieties
out on someone else. Did our sophomore drink at an after-party? Did
it matter that he had never been in trouble before? His punishment
stung; he knew he deserved it; but he appreciated being seen for
what he was: a fifteen year old who had made a stupid choice.
Each year, Saint George’s
publishes a community handbook that outlines the expectations it
holds for its students and their families. The administration
prepares it with great thoughtfulness, carefully thinking through
the expectations and standards they outline there, rewriting it as
their ideas evolve. In the handbook, they explain their approach to
discipline. As integral members of the Saint George’s community, we
parents need to take the responsibility to read it. If we agree with
the principles laid out there, we need to know they apply to our kid
the same way they apply to others. When Forrest was on the hot seat,
we were grateful that the administration that held him accountable
for his actions was also one that knew him well.
None of our children will go through life without
making mistakes. The younger they learn there are always
consequences to their actions, the kinder the world will be to them.
Eric and I remain grateful for the role Saint George’s played in
helping Forrest learn that lesson.
Olivette Orme
President
2006-2007 Parents Association
Lower School Handbook 2006-07
Middle School Handbook 2006-07
Upper School Handbook 2006-07 |
|
